Week 62: Bad News Bearers


"This is your . . . suuuuuuck . . . captain speaking. We might be experiencing . . . lay some flame on me, dude, the rock's gone out . . . a certain amount of turbulence . . ."

From your barber: "Hey, don't worry, it will grow back."

From the foot doctor: "Geez, would you take a look at that. Hey, would you mind if I took a few Polaroids?" From your brain surgeon: "Hey, when I touch this thing, that thing moves!" 

 
This Week's Contest was suggested by Gabriel Goldberg of Chantilly, who wins a box of 500 Desmond Howard bubblegum cards that we have somehow obtained. Inspired by a barber's actual comment to a closely shorn friend of his, Gabe suggests coming up with statements one would not like to hear from friends, relatives, service personnel etc. First-prize winner gets a realistic gorilla mask, a value of $ 50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 62, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet at this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 16. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads hereby solicits humorously decorated envelopes mailed to The Style Invitational. Best will win a rare antique commemorative presidential plate from the Bush administration. This idea came from Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring, who wins a festive dispenser of puke candy. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report From Week 59, in which we asked you to come up with epitaphs for the still living.

Sixth Runner-Up: Kevin Costner -- Dancing with worms. (Stephen Buchanan, Mt. Airy)

Fifth Runner-Up: Mark Rypien -- We mourn his passing (Paul Kondis, Alexandria; also Edward Seiler, Lanham)

Fourth Runner-Up: Here lays Heidi Fleiss (Blake Reid, Bethesda)

Third Runner-Up: Andy Rooney -- Have you ever noticed how stuffy it is when you're six feet under? You'd think coffins would have a ventilation system or something. And another annoying thing about being dead . . . (Andrew C. Spitzler, Silver Spring)

Second Runner-Up: Shaquille O'Neill -- Heart attack! (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

First Runner-Up: Victor Kiam -- I liked the farm so much, I bought it. (Larry Cynkin, Kensington)

And the Winner of the Wimpy, Bluto, Popeye and Olive coffee mugs:

(with line graf showing life expectancy charted against age) Ross Perot -- It's simple. Do the math. (Ira P. Robbins, Bethesda)

Honorable Mentions:

Henny Youngman -- No, I said take my wife (Paul A. Alter, Hyattsville)

Jack Kevorkian -- I did it my way (Don Maclean, Burke)

Al Gore -- Biodegrade in peace (John Verba, Washington)

Mrs. William Jefferson Clinton -- Beloved cookie-making First Lady who stood by her man and is right now turning over in her grave (Linda Sheffield Miller, New Market)

Any D.C. Resident -- No radio in casket (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Robin Ficker -- Now, we rest in peace (John Callebaut, Arlington)

Al Gore -- Hmm. Better check. Anybody got a mirror? (Mary Olson, Springfield)

Richard Nixon -- His final coverup (Paul Kondis, Alexandria. Nixon was still living at the time this was submitted)

Michael Jordan -- b. 1963 d. 2051 NHL MVP. 2036-37 (Douglas Olson, Beltsville)

Bill Watterson -- Is on sabbatical. "Calvin and Hobbes" will resume on his return. (Douglas Olson, Beltsville)

Here lies Charles Manson. May he burn in peace (Bryan Camp and Susan Gillette, Alexandria)

Ronald Reagan -- We are eternally in his debt (Peyton Coyner, Afton)

Here Lies Madonna -- Necrophiliacs welcome (Tom Gearty, Arlington; also, Gary Buzbee, Alexandria)

Engelbert Humperdinck -- Someone finally released him, thank God (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Dolly Parton -- Did not drown (Richard N. Crenshaw, Reva, Va.)

Who was the host of Jeopardy? (Jim Eagles, Annapolis Junction)

Chuck Smith -- He lived his life in Style (Linda Nevitte, Herndon)

And Last:

The Style Invitational, 1993-1995. All pooped out (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)